Hanna Montana The Movie: More Dressed up Disney Plotlines…

April 10, 2009

One of the many life lessons that I learned from my Dad is, “Your word is your BOND, don’t fuck it up.”

It wasn’t as crass as that, but that is what the advice boiled down to.  It was and still is great advice.  People will remember you for the promises you made and didn’t keep.  They will also remember you for the things that you did.  Your mistakes will follow you around for as long as possible.

I got 99 problems...

I got 99 problems...

After all the various things that have happened (slanty-eyes racist) (BOLT) (OLD BF pimping her) (VANITY FAIR) (MYSPACE TYPE PICTURES) Miley Cyrus (D.B.A.) Hanna Montana is in drastic need of an image makeover.  What better way to have an image makeover than to be involved in a movie?  That always make people forget about the mistakes…

HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE

She can sell records, but can she carry a plot? Does this even have a plot? Call her Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus, her concert movie did a good deal better than the one from the Jonas Brothers.

What really is that saying?  The Jonas Brothers are weak and I couldn’t name a song if you tortured me with Hanna Montana music and videos.

A leopard doesnt change its spots...unless you spraypaint them to match the coat...

A leopard doesn't change it's spots...unless you spray paint them to match the coat...

This Disney outing is about how nice it would be to get back to small-town values.

I didn’t know racism and strippers were endemic to small towns…wait, they are actually.  My Bad, good job Disney!

This is small town racism... It shouldnt take Though the Wire and Kayne West to know about him...

This is small town racism... It shouldn't take Though the Wire and Kayne West to know about him...

This is a small town racist...She fits perfectly in the movie...

This is a small town racist...She fits perfectly in the movie...

That one has been made before, back when small towns still existed and hadn’t been taken over by shopping malls. In any case, Hannah ’s fame has gotten messy, so her father urges her to return to Crowley Corners, Tenn., where she may learn to thank God she’s a country girl. The girl’s real-life father, country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, plays the movie dad (just like on TV). No wonder it’s rated G.

Because I secretly hate you, I am including the trailer for you to watch.

So, the movie has been made before…what is the reason to see this again?  Because the media has created another false idol to worship?  I would never take any child to see this and I blame parents for hyping her up to the level that she is at.

I want to make it clear that I am not hating on her and her enterprise.  Remember, we blogged about the fact that she could be like the Olsen twins and make not millions, but a billion dollars with the franchaise.  Her biggest lesson is to find a way to not mess this up.  You can’t hate on her because she is rich, or has a character that is so well known.  You can hate on her for being a MySpace whore, or racist.  I chose a little from column A and a litlte from column B and the rest comes from killing a beautifully laid out plan.  Because in the words of Hannibal Smith, “I love it when a plan comes together…”

The movie is going to suck.  There is no way around that.  But, the movie will make money hand over fist.  The people will be fighting to hand over their money to get a ticket to this charade.

If you are Billy Ray, you are happy that your child is still relevant and you are happy to get a role in the movie and a chance to make some loot off this venture.  You are still making music ( I think , since I don’t listen to country) and movies is just another way to further you money.

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