Barkley explains when it’s okay to get a DUI

January 6, 2009

Doctors (or Brainiacs) and Drinking don’t Mix…If Charles was a faithful reader, he might have avoided a lot of trouble… remember this? We could have saved him a lot of embarrassment and time in the legal system, while giving him something to laugh at as well.

Charles Barkley is one of our favorites here at Too Old. He was a hellvua basketball player who didn’t let his limitations prevent him from being one of the 50 best in basketball history. For a guy who is 6 foot 5, he rebounded like he was a foot taller. It is that dogged determination that can get him into trouble at times. It is that dogged determination that has him in the news again.

Chuckles, as his friends call him (I made that up, but I am not his friend, so how the hell would I know?) has said and done things that are not politically correct during his career. One of the biggest statements that he made was his famous quote, “I am not a role model…” I have the shirt that is printed by NIKE that I wear, since the statement is so true. People should not look up to athletes to be a role model. You should look to parents, family and others that make a real difference.

But, Chuckles, I have to take umbrage with that statement. I do look to you as a role model, and it’s because you are a straight shooter and call it like you see it. Here are my favorites that I found at, organized into categories that represent why I admire Barkley.

Charles on Working

1) On the All-Star Game: “Hell, there ain’t but 15 black millionaires in the whole country & half of ’em are right here in this room.”

2) “I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan.”

3) After retiring from basketball “I’m just what America needs – another unemployed black man.

I can get behind the thought of number 2.

If the Klan paid well, I would have to think about it. At least then I could try to subvert them from the inside. But, if the money was that good, I would be worried about compromising my pay check.

Charles w/5 Politically Correct…your search has returned zero documents… (Those who use lexis/nexis should get it)

1) After throwing a guy through a 1st floor window in a bar Charles was in front of the judge.
Judge: “Your sanctions are community service and a fine, do you have any regrets?”
Charles: “Yeah I regret we weren’t on a higher floor”

2) After Kevin Garnett threw a ball into the crowd out of frustration and was ejected. They showed footage of the man that got hit by the ball being taken away in a stretcher and his daughter was crying. Charles commented that players take passes to the face all the time. He topped it off by saying: “You know why that little girl’s crying? It’s because she’s thinking ‘my daddy’s a wussy'”.

3) I’d never buy my girl a watch… she’s already got a clock over the stove.

4) When the Dream Team was about to play the Angola national team, during pre-game interviews the other USA players provided diplomatic, face saving comments about how they would play hard and felt strongly they would win. When Chuck was asked about Angola and the game, he replied: “They’re in a lot of trouble.”

“We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.”

5) Ernie Johnson, on Reggie Evans being caught grabbing the rocks of Chris Kaman: “(Reggie Evans) got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.”

Charles Barkley: “Ernie, I don’t know where you get your cookies at but the rest of us don’t get ours there.”

I am the first to laugh at something if it is funny. It really doesn’t need to be politically correct. The fact that you are evaluating what you say because of someone else and their political leanings is hilarious

Would I beat Dad’s ass if I could get away with it? Yes, I would. Is it funny as a cartoon? Absolutely. It’s a NON PC shop and that is the kind of thing that they would have in there. While you are there, can I get some waffles?

Charles on School and Education

1) “When I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.

2) “Did you graduate from Auburn?”
Charles: “No, but I have a couple people working for me who did.”

3) Ernie: “Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort.”
Charles: “20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!”

Don’t get me started on the NCAA. A lot of people will say that the institution is not racist. I am inclined to agree. They only care about one color, green. If the money is right, then they will be okay with you. Their decisions are irrational a lot of time concerning eligibility. They seemingly punish the players who have done things the right way, and allow the schools that play the game and toe the company line enough rope to hang themselves and others. While I don’t have any sympathy for Maurice Clarett and his crime committing spree, I do think that the ability to go pro whenever you want is the last mechanism the NCAA has over athletes, usually black athletes. In some respects, there is still a plantation style mentality that resides with Miles Brand and the other bigwigs that control the NCAA. The organization rakes in hundreds of millions of dollars, while the players are supposed to be happy that they get school paid for. That is a huge benefit that I have been privileged to receive for debate and for sports, but when the other people around you have fat pockets and you are scraping by on top ramen because you went on a date earlier in the week is unnecessary. Sports that have a higher percentage of white players, like baseball, tennis and hockey, you can go pro as soon as you graduate high school. In tennis, you an go pro even earlier. But sports like basketball and football, which have a higher concentration of minorities involved, have subjective limitations all designed to hold the brotha man down.

But, I can still laugh at players who game the system and get away with it…I am looking directly at you Reggie Bush…

Charles on Politics

1) On the Enron scandal investigation: “Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That’s like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool.”

2) Man, everything gets blamed on the Clintons, every single thing in this world. I think Bill Clinton shot JFK, too

3) “I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend.”

Monica Lewinski is famous for one thing…okay two things. First, she is known to me because she IS a skank. What woman do you know will allow you to “release” all on her dress after performing a “head examination”, then KEEPS the dress? Second, she will allow you to “warm” up your cigars…if you know what I mean, and I mean all the possible combinations you can think of…

So much so, she got a cover of a very popular magazine…

Here is the excuse Bill probably gave Hillary when the blue dress was first discovered

Which finally brings us to the reason that this post originated…Oral Sex and the love of receiving it.. When it’s done right, there is nothing better in the world. You know it’s being done right when you toes curl and you feel that the very essence of life is leaving you. I wish that one of the Female members of our posse wrote about this, but I will say that writers in the crew can always agree on one thing…that we are on the prowl for the best ever, and a lot of women can compete for the title in our history. There are a lot of women who either give sub standard “examinations” or who give no effort. When you find one that is a pro, you keep coming back for more. This was the dilemma that Sir Charles found himself in and he did what any rational man/actor would do… he went back for more. It is here where we have to caution you to count to ten and think about whether it is a good idea or not.

Charles Barkley, former Phoenix Suns player and NBA star, told police he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from a female passenger when he ran through a stop sign drunk early Wednesday, a police report states.

The report, released late Wednesday by Gilbert police, details how Barkley not only made candid references to his impending rendezvous with an unidentified woman for oral sex but how he at least half-seriously implored a civilian police employee to help him get out of the DUI bust.

The 11-time NBA All-Star was arrested, cited and released on suspicion of misdemeanor DUI and being impaired to the slightest degree.

Gilbert police Lt. Pete Smith pulled over Barkley’s black Infiniti SUV at 1:30 a.m. after it rolled through a stop sign about 10 mph near 75th Street and Sixth Avenue in Scottsdale.

“He was very respectful and very cooperative,” Gilbert police Lt. Eric Shuhandler said. “It was a very routine DUI arrest.”

Smith is one of dozens of officers in the East Valley DUI Task Force from 10 different police agencies that have been combing area streets since Thanksgiving looking for suspected drunken drivers.

Barkley’s arrest was one of 90 made Tuesday night and into early Wednesday in Scottsdale.

In a statement to the Associated Press, Barkley said he was “disappointed that I put myself in that situation.”

He added, “the Scottsdale police were fantastic.”

“Now, it is a legal matter, and I will not comment any further as it is a legal matter.”

The reference to Scottsdale police reflects Barkley’s apparent lack of knowledge about the regional DUI task force and how the arresting officer’s department assumes jurisdiction for an arrest no matter where it took place.

Smith was in an unmarked patrol car when the SUV rolled by the stop sign, the police report states. The SUV stopped just south of the intersection and a female climbed into the passenger seat.

Smith pulled over Barkley’s vehicle, which blocked the southbound lane, and Barkley had bloodshot, watery eyes and had the odor of alcohol on his breath, the report states.

“I asked if he had been drinking, and he said, ‘Yes, I have,’ ” Smith wrote in the report. Barkley then admitted to having a “couple” of drinks.

Smith gave Barkley a field sobriety test, which he failed, Shuhandler said.

At the advice of his bodyguard, who Barkley said was a police officer, he refused to take a portable Breathalyzer test but submitted to a blood test.

Those results will not be available for a week.

While being processed at the East Valley DUI Task Force command post, Barkley told police, “I was going to drive around the corner and get” oral sex, the report states. He explained he had engaged in oral sex with the same woman last week, the report added.

Barkley then told a civilian employee, “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass” if it would get him out of the DUI, the report states.

Because his SUV was towed, when Barkley left the command post, he took a taxicab. Shortly before departing, he shook hands with several officers, Shuhandler said.

Barkley was returning from Dirty Pretty Rock Bar near Camelback and Miller roads where he spent about three hours with a group of about 40 people, bar owner Ryan Jocque said.

The party included actor Jaleel White, who played TV nerd Steve Urkel in the 1990s sitcom Family Matters, and NFL great Michael Strahan, who retired from the New York Giants after winning last year’s Super Bowl in Glendale.

“Charles is a very good customer of ours,” Jocque said.

Despite a turbulent end to the year, Shuhandler said he hoped the former Phoenix Suns star would turn the negative experience into a positive.

“He has a chance to do something good with this,” Shuhandler said. “I hope he does.”

A court date in Scottsdale Municipal Court has yet to be scheduled.

Nicknamed Sir Charles, Barkley was an 11-time NBA All-Star and league MVP in 1993. He played 16 NBA seasons for the Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns and Houston Rockets, and he played on the USA Olympic Dream Team in 1992 and 1996.

Damn, Charles…did you really have to express what is on your mind?  We have all gotten the “whiskey dick” or the sensation of needing to have sex after drinking, but really?  I mean we have to have some self control.  Also, with the type of coin I know you must have (considering you are still working with TNT) couldn’t you have gotten a driver?  Maybe you should fire the cook and hire a driver to aviod these types of situations. Or if you are that trusting, make her drive…its not a watch…

2 Responses to “Barkley explains when it’s okay to get a DUI”

  1. Ronin Storm said

    It’s amazing what you can learn from the BLOG. Thanx Steve. I would have never known the true story from just watching SportsCenter.
    Anyway, Chuckles must have been PISS-DRUNK. One for being at the Dirty Pretty with my S.Pas boy Urkel when everyone now goes(from what I hear) to the new BlackCard these days. And 2nd. for the blabbing , palm-pressing, and general thanking the Po-Po for the DUI.
    I’ve got $20 on a BAC of at least 0.16 .

  2. Erik said

    Don’t look at Reggie Bush, Steve. Reggie Bush can’t help you.

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