Have a baby by me: Music from 50 Cent that Tiger Woods should listen to

Tiger,

LISTEN TO FIFTY…

I know your wife wants a divorce. That is the word on the street, according to the media.  If it is true, you should grant it to her.  You will be better off in the end.  Alex Rodriguez is all the proof you need.  Here is a guy who was caught up in the BALCO scandal, admitted to being a juicer and had an affair while he was married with little kids.

He had to know that people were watching. At least you took precautions Tiger. Plus the look on his face is that he knows that he is in for a freaky evening. Poor guy...I would trade places with him to save him from that horrible fate that he is about to face.

He was able to overcome this.  First, his team did some winning.  Winning in your field will always win back the fans.  Second, get in front of the story.  You are going to have to do Oprah or Barbara Walters, like I told you here earlier.

Now, the news is out that Oprah is reaching out to Tiger.

She can repair your image. Get the big O behind you

Third, be a good father.  Visit your kids.  Wherever in the world they are, you have the money to get there.  If that means you play less golf, then that is what it means.  The sponsors will be behind you, and your kids should be your first priority in your life.

Do those things and you can have all the tail you can chase.  No one will care and in some eyes, it will only raise your stature.  Look at Hef.

Hef's new side pieces...Crystal Harris, and like only Hef could do, twins Karissa and Kristina Shannon

this is what he kicked to the curb…

old news to Hef...Bridget Marquardt, Kendra Wilkinson(now Baskett) and Holly Madison

so, it really doesn’t matter.  As long as you play your brand of golf, you will be fine.  It may not find you love, but you have your kids and golf for a long, long time.

You might be saying to yourself, I am not Hef.  You are right, no one is.  You you can capture the essence.  Look at AROD.  He went to Madonna, for some age and experience and then moved on to Kate Hudson.

and then he left this...so it does get better...

You can finally go to Jessica Simpson as you rebound, since that is what the gossip rags are reporting.  If you did, I would not be mad at you.  She may not be smart, but she is good looking…

According to the ladies, you could show her a good time

The words of Fifty should be rolling in your head, while you are kicking it on your yacht…

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN DELIVERS HER GUT FULL OF HUMAN!

It’s about time.  It’s hard to wear slutty outfits (not that there are anything wrong with slutty outfits) when you are carrying another…Now, you can go back to drinking on the beach and partying, while the nanny takes care of the kid.  First order of business is to drop the baby weight.  I will definitely have to concede that you will put in work in the gym.

While the girls get bigger with pregnancy, so does everything else, making it hard to squeeze into this dress.

See, a little different than the picture above, huh?

Kourtney Kardashian and boyfriend Scott Disick are proud parents of a baby boy!

E! has just announced that the 30-year-old reality TV star gave birth early this morning to Mason Dash Disick, who clocked in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and measured 19.5 inches.

A publicist for Kourt said, “Kourtney just delivered a healthy baby boy about an hour ago.”

I wonder how long until we get another spinoff, with just her and just Chyna Khloe?

America, Tiger Woods is like your friend who is a stiff, but is still your friend. Please forgive him like your would your buddy

Hands and knees is a start....Kobe style might be a huge ring.

This weekend was a long weekend for me.  Obligations kept me busy the whole weekend, from a basketball game, to a debate tournament.  The crew was at the tournament and as he does, Ronin was chatting up the ladies.  Our buddy, Wes, who is a mess, salted Ronin’s game.  When I sat down and broke it to Wes about what he did, I began to realize it wasn’t his fault.  Wes was just a horrible wingman, thus counting on him for wingman game would not be wise.

Wes, learn the creed, follow the creed

I can’t be mad at someone for not doing something that I should know that they are bad at.  If you know you have a shoot first point guard, why get upset if he isn’t passing as much as you would like?

This is what America fails to realize about Tiger Woods.  We can’t be mad AT Tiger, because Tiger is a stiff.  You can condemn his actions, but it’s bigger than him.  To fully understand, what is going on, a definition is in order.

stiff (plural stiffs)

1. An average person, usually male, of no particular distinction, skill, or education, often a working stiff or lucky stiff.

   A Working Stiff’s Manifesto: A Memoir of Thirty Jobs I Quit, Nine That Fired Me, and Three I Can’t Remember was published in 2003.

2. A person who is deceived, as a mark or pigeon in a swindle.

   She convinced the stiff to go to her hotel room, where her henchman was waiting to rob him.

3. (slang) A cadaver, a dead person.
4. (US) A person who leaves (especially a restaurant) without paying the bill.

In understanding women, Tiger meets definition one and two.  When Tiger was working on his game growing up, he never got a chance to work out the kinks in his mating/macking/sexual game.  The reason why is is great at golf is that he had to ignore other urges and needs.  His sexual game is simple, rote. This is not to say that Tiger never got laid, but never got to enjoy the rockstar experience.  It is not his fault that he has been handled most of his life.  His handlers did a great job (that would include his parents, who by definition are handlers, but this refers to outside that family tree handling) almost too great in crafting the image.  People love to tear other people down, but one thing that is great about the human spirit is that we allow people to make mistakes.  Marion Barry did this and STILL got re-elected to public office.

Yes, this is the Mayor of Washington D.C. smoking crack...

He didn’t have this movie to guide him (How to Be a Player) The mistakes that he made in the whole scenario was very reminiscent of High School game. The silly voice mails are the first clue about his underdeveloped game.

Dre, if he only had you as a wingman, all would be good

The fact that he was texted is just a modern day note writing that any guy would not get caught up in, since that is the smoking gun.  (Guys and gals, remember, that text messages do not disappear in the great beyond.  They are easily accessible.  At least if you are cheating, cover your tracks.  Get rid of text messages and don’t send anything in them, since they can be read and saved by the other side. One rookie manuever is that people forget to clear the sent emails in their side, they only remember to get rid of the ones that they receive.)

But, there is a ray of light during this moment of darkness.  There is a manual for  getting through this and continuing to make the money.  Going on Oprah to win back the women.  A lot of guys were never mad at you in the first place.  they may have questioned you cheating on your smoking hot wife, but they were not mad, in the classic sense.  In fact, some men immediately put themselves in your situation and re-created your mistakes, in order to play out the scenario and figure out how not to make the mistakes you made.

She is that powerful...do not cross her...

But, going on Oprah is the key to winning back women who hate you right now.  The Mayo Clinic defines forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

The demographics of the Oprah show are the groups you need to win back. You need to find a way that they can forgive you, without minimizing the act.  We all make terrible life decisions. The black women vote is key.  Right now, you are polling low with them because of the affair (some of them are not mad at you for this.  They are the ones making excuses for you like, Elin wasn’t taking care of business at home and Tiger, I would make it work for you)  Memo to Tiger…be careful.  These are the types of women that you are sleeping with now. Back to the point at hand, the women you are polling poorly with.  One thing to remember is that Black women can be really racist, with the emphasis on really racist. There are women who are not mad that you had an affair, but are mad only because it was with a white women.  Oprah can help with that, because Oprah is a healer.  This is the time to say, “Whoops, I got caught up!” You will need to show your emotional side on the show, and you might even need to cry a little bit, to show contrition.  But, don’t worry, because most guys will never hear about it, much less see it.  So, don’t be self conscious.  At worst, we will say, “Wait til you get to the car to cry…”

(Don’t let Deebo see you slipping….you won’t have to go to the car to cry)

Oprah as the Great Emancipator can bring together white women as well.  They read Oprah, and value her input and opinion.  It’s the reason stars agree to do her show after bad press, like Tom Cruise.

Do not jump up and down professing your love for your wife. If you overdo it, people will not believe you. But, look at Oprah selling it and showing all the teeth and gums, pretending to be amused. This is the press you need.

Tiger, you can do it.  Let Oprah help…Harpo, reach out to a man who needs a helping hand…

Hoes on the loose from the Tiger Woods Zoo

with thanks to Bill Simmons for help with the title.

See, more attention seeking hoes popping up...but she kept her mouth shut, so that is something positive in her favor.

See, Tiger, hoes are going to try to capitalize on your fame. Radio show personality Meredith Walusek is the one  holding a sign reading, ‘Tiger- They offered me $500,000- I’m keeping my mouth shut!”, in front of a gate to the Isleworth community where Tiger Woods has a home on December 2, 2009 in Windermere, Florida.

All she wants is ratings. (Unless you really chopped her down, then she is a down @$$ chickenhead)  She is willing to use your problems to raise her stature up.  But that isn’t shocking to me.  Here are some of the latest to step up and claim that you chopped the backs down.

Another silicone injected porn star. Tiger living the life.....

Now Tiger even has a woman claiming that he “used” her hoe services when she was operating. (Wouldn’t it be delicious irony if she got popped for pimping and pandering, since she is copping to the crime?)  The Vancouver Sun gives a small list of the attention seeking women

The list of women Woods is alleged to have slept with includes personal concierge Rachel Uchitel, reality TV wannabe Jaimee Grubbs, VIP hostess Kalika Moquin, minimum wage waitress Mindy Lawton, New York party girl Cori Rist, Vegas lingerie model Jamie Jungers, porn star Holly Sampson, and three-way porn specialist Joslyn James.

They continue…

Also on Thursday, Hollywood madam Michelle Braun has claimed in the New York Daily News that Woods was a regular client, spending more than $60,000 on dalliances with Junger, Sampson and Playboy model Loredana Jolie. If Braun is to be believed, Woods liked to play the back nine in parties of three.

At least this is the type that you whould be banging out. But, for a man of your stature to pay for it...and then have the trust broken is a disgrace.

Like the old saying goes, ” You don’t pay a prostitute for sex….you pay her to leave when you are done.”  But you also pay for the discretion of the action and your business.  The prostitute/John relationship is tantamount to priest/parishioner relationship…you should not spill the beans about anything.

That is what this world is coming to...

What must she be unwilling to do to satisfy his sexual appetite?

Did she stop putting out after the kids?

Whatever it was, this is another fine mess  you got us into.  It is going to take some time, but you are doing right by NOT SAYING ANYTHING!

Tiger Woods Porn Video…you knew it was only a matter of time….

I predicted this here as soon as the porn start came out.  It had to happen. Now, EOnline and others are talking about it…

And now it’s time for the porn.

Following the tabloid coverage, the late-night jokes, the animated re-creations and even a commentary or two on National Public Radio, the Tiger Woods scandal has officially reached the phase in which someone turns the story into an excuse for people to engage in sex on camera.

Porn actors, that is—not Tiger or any of the various alleged lady friends. This is fiction.

E! News has obtained a copy of the script for Tiger’s Wood, which bills itself as the “official porn parody” of the non-golf exploits of the sports icon. The script riffs on the story and (presumably) makes up stuff where it might make things spicier.

How does it all turn out? Well, we wouldn’t want to spoil it for you, but we’re pretty sure you can guess how this Tiger tale ends.

—Reporting by Marcus Mulic

But now the Huffington Post is reporting that the casting has been set.

Looks wholesome enough to play the wife

Porn star Kayden Kross tweeted that she has been cast as Tiger’s wife “porn-Elin,” and that Tyler Knight will play Tiger.

Meanwhile Tyler blogged, “I’m Tiger Woods, bitches.”

Tyler, I gotta give you daps for that.  Too funny….

Meanwhile Vivid, which is not producing “Tiger’s Wood,” is offering big bucks to any former Woods’ mistress who will star in a porn.

The company has also offered up to $1 million “to any paramour of Tiger Woods” who would star in a Vivid film.

Chickenheads, come out and grab your money.  You already sold him out for a few coins, why not grab the big prize?  The answer can’t be that you are too embarrassed to do porn.  Jamiee Grubbs, you are not, as we have pictures of you doing it already.  You should be the first to grab the loot, but some of you should not be far behind.  This is like a life preserver thrown out to you.  You have been played by the media.  They used you for ratings and now will throw you to the side.  You are famous, but really you are infamous.  Use this opportunity to get paid one more time.  The money will run out for the ones that settled for 100k.  You will buy a couple of things, and go on a trip or two and your money is gone.

“Our offer is to actual proven paramours of Tiger Woods who agree to star in a Vivid film and provide details and an explicit look of what Tiger experienced still holds,” Hirsch continued. “It seems the chance we’ll be taken up gets better as the days go on.”

That is going to be a little difficult to prove, but unfortunately, this will only encourage chickenheads to keep jim hats to preserve the semen.  Think that isn’t possible?  Remember this person?

Who keeps a semen stained dress and doesn't get it washed? A stanky hoe, thats who!. BTW, this portait is the best that I have seen her look.

The GAP blue dress was the straw that almost brought down the Clinton era.

Jamie Jungers goes on National TV to apologize and prove to people that she is a two bit prostitute with a heart of gold….

Jamie, this is your dream, but you are a lingerie model... you are a dime a dozen. Tiger used you and you are famous for all the wrong reasons. Enjoy your fame while it lasts. Plus, the pennies on the dollar you got from the magazines are not going to last...

except this isn’t Pretty Woman and she is not Julia Roberts (because she does not have a horse face and is not rich)

In a few years, you will be back to modelling at car shows...but at least you apologized...

Some of the jumpoffs are talking, trying to extend their moment in the sun.  The thing that I don’t understand is that don’t they know all they are really doing is coming off looking like tramps and skanks?  YOU SLEPT WITH A MARRIED MAN!  Yes, Tiger has a lot of fault in this.  Just like some movie I was forced to see, the main character says, “Love should have brought your @$$ home last night.

But, it takes two to tango.  The jumpoffs knew he was married, so don’t be shocked…The Herald Sun brings to light the claims of another one of his alleged conquests, Jamie Jungers.

LINGERIE model Jamie Jungers yesterday said of ex-lover Tiger: “He deserves everything he gets.”

Eighteen months into their wild fling, she claimed she ended it racked with guilt about his wife.

Blonde Jungers, 26, said: “People are getting to see he’s not the great family-oriented guy everyone thought he was.”

This might seems naive of me, but if you were so wracked with guilt over that you were a willing participant with a married man for him to have an affair, why didn’t you make this apology when you “ended” the affair? Why are we finding out about this “affair” now? It seems as though you are in asset acquisition mode. Signs of Blue Star Airlines all over again…

Tiger did what?!?! Sell, SELL, SELL! Wait, with who? She is a shank....hold for now

She claims he flew her all over America to satisfy his three-times-a-night lust during tournaments.

She said the golf ace wanted sex on demand and loved dirty phone chats with her.

She said: “The sex was amazing, just crazy. It got better the more we saw each other. He was amazing in bed.”

They romped in a hotel room hours after meeting, just eight months after his 2005 wedding.

She claims that afterwards, she asked him: “You just got married. Is it going OK?

“He said, ‘Yes, it’s fine, she (Elin) is in Sweden with her family’.”

So, here is where she admits to knowing that he is married and she has weighed the consequences of her actions.  She didn’t care then and just wanted to know what Tiger thought.  He was thinking with the Little General, so he was all good with her being a party to his affair.

She alleged that days ago she was offered cash by Woods’ team to stop her selling her story,

Another of Tiger’s mistresses, porn starlet Holly Sampson, 26, said: “He’s like the whitest black boy you’ve ever met in your life. His teeth are perfect and he’s a perfect gentleman. He likes blondes.”

We all wish we had teachers like this...

Why does this make him white? Black people can’t have good teeth and manners?  And who doesn’t like blondes?  But, Holly, you are not a blonde.  I don’t know if the curtains match the drapes, but the roots above seems to tell a different story.  This proves that you are doing the only thing that you are good at, which is being used as a sex rag doll.  Hopefully people will buy your porn tapes.  I won’t because I will continue to download clips or bootlegs. But, you are a racist, so I would do dirty things to you and laugh…

It was alleged yesterday that days before 33-year-old Woods publicly confessed to adultery, his agents also offered to pay off the woman who lifted the lid on his lurid double life.

Ashley Samson yesterday told the National Enquirer, which broke the story with her claims two weeks ago: “His people offered me $200,000 to change my story. I said I would not lie for Tiger because the truth is the truth.”

British media yesterday named TV presenter and former pin-up Kirsty Gallacher, a household name there, as a friend of Tiger’s.

I need more friends like this...

She is now married and pregnant. But in an interview several years ago when she was single, she described him as “wonderful, kind and talented – not to mention incredibly handsome”.

She added: “Whenever he’s over here, he gives me a call.”

You can see why he called.  I would too….Tiger now has a ton of haters, but they are not going to be able to stop him…

Which is your favorite Tiger Woods Jumpoff? I am still rolling with Rachel Uchitel

This is from 1996 from radaronline.com, but the goods still look good

Plus, she knows how to keep her mouth closed.  That privacy is something that would be attractive.  At least this didn’t turn into a case of Glenn Close and Fatal Attraction.

CATFIGHT! Lamar Odom’s women fight…Claudia Jordan and Khloe Kardashian beefing!

Clearly the winner in the looks department

and this isn’t beef to eat…I went over to Bossip.com and saw this story.

Khloe and Lamar’s ex jump off, Claudia Jordan, had an exchange of words at a Hollyweird party and from what we hear, it wasn’t pretty.  More details on the flipside. Claudia and Khloe, who roll in the same social circles, found themselves in a face to face, verbal altercation at a friend’s home during a small party.  We hear that Khloe went hard on Claudia and damn near made her cry.  But we hear that Claudia had it coming to her because she instigated the whole fight.  Claudia arrived first and then Khloe came in after her, solo.

They initially tried to ignore each other but all hell broke loose when Claudia was heard saying “I can’t believe he left me for a MAN” and “Oh, well… I guess big girls need love, too!” It wasn’t too long before Khloe heard about Claudia talking behind her back and approached her on it. She told her if she wanted to talk trash about her, Don’t do it behind her back! We hear curses and tempers flared as the two went at it. After a while we heard Claudia disappeared.

and once I read it, I said to myself, damn I have been saying the same thing here and here. Postdrama took it one step further and made the Chyna comparisons and pictures

Damn, they do look a lot alike...

Lamar might have married Chyna.  But, Khloe has been looking run down and haggard, like all the attention she so desperately carved is catching up with her.   I hope the pre-nup allows easy access out when you wake up and discovered you married a man.

Plus, Claudia was funny.  I don’t think that Chyna could have come up with jokes like this.  It is a product of the inner-city lifestyle she never lived.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren must have been listening to Jazmine Sullivan when she heard about Tiger’s jumpoffs

His ride is all busted up....

Elin really channeled the message behind the song.

One kid who will never want for anything and has great genes: Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady welcome a new addition to the home!

look at the girls struggling to get free....

The only thing else is to find out that the kid has a Mensa level IQ, or is hing like a horse.  The DailyMail brings the good news to light.

Supermodel Gisele Bündchen has given birth to a son.

The boy is the first child together for the 29-year-old and her husband, American football star Tom Brady.

Brazilian Bünchen is already stepmother to Brady’s son John Edward, two, whose mother is his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan.

So, the rich keep getting richer.  Tom Brady must have found the golden ticket.  He is a Bay Area guy, goes to Michigan, and sits on the bench behind a more heralded QB,Drew Henson and almost as an afterthought, gets drafted in the 6th round by the Patriots.   One injury to Drew Bledsoe later, and the guy can’t stop winning the lottery.  Here is his ex, Bridget Moynahan.

I bet you want to see what is in here...

But for some, the luck keeps on coming. He has knocked up a woman with more riches than he has and his swimmers found the mark, as Tom Brady must have some strong swimmers.

Bündchen is the world’s highest paid model, with an estimated $150million fortune.

Bündchen  and Brady started dating in December 2006 – just weeks after the athlete ended his three year relationship with Sex and the City star Moynahan.

Just a two months into his relationship with Bündchen, Brady was surprised to learn Moynahan was pregnant with his child and she gave birth to John in August 2007.

You are able to make your move that fast.  If he was like most guys, you try to make that one last move for break-up sex.  This move is dangerous, but worth the rewards. If you are ending on a good note and not due to scandal, you might get that one to remember the relationship by.  He was smooth enough to not wear a hat and got caught slipping with John.  But, is it really slipping if you and the mother have wealth and love?  He might have gotten  caught up, but I am trying to get caught like that.

The nose is kinda large, but everything else is super on point.

This is the proverbial golden ticket.

Look at it shine in the light....must be nice to have one...