Freaks of the Industry

Do you know who this guy is?

Neither did I…

until the story got out about the “wide stance” that the Senator likes to keep in the bathroom. Now, I am all for freakiness, the mile high club (which for those who are curious, I am a member of the club, having gotten brain on a flight from Oakland to NYC from a girlfriend and got the box from another girlfriend. Being 6 foot 4 and 270 pounds, airplanes are not the most spacious place to “have the box lunch”, but the bathroom, with the woman sitting on the sink is the best option that I have found… If there are others, I would love to hear them…) and other sexual proclivities, but once you get famous, you have to curtail your public actions.

I just saw the movie The Bank Job. Again, not to spoil the plot, there are pictures of a royal family member (female) getting the Burger King treatment from two black dudes. While freaky threesomes are the things that good dreams are made from (no, I have yet to be that fortunate in my life, but I subscribe to the Jimmy Valvano motto, “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up”) you have to only have these things in the privacy of your own home, where you get to control the climate of the situation.

Now on to my real subject that I had on my mind… Digital Underground.

This is the group that is widely credited for bringing Tupac Shakur to the mainstream audience. More to the point, they represented a non-gansta rap voice in hip-hop during the nineties. They rapped about non serious things that were amusing and sometimes thought provoking. I was driving to Napa today and I was listening to “Freaks of the Industry” I was driving along, singing the lyrics, when some of the words struck a chord with me.

Say you’re G’in’ [G'in'?]
Nobody else is seein’
And the freak that you’re wit’ is in front of you,
Bendin’ over naked, and she’s leanin’ on the dresser [Ooh yeah]
You’re lookin’ at her from the rear [Yeah] She looks just like Vanessa [The right stuff]

Uh uh, not Vanessa with the singer career,
But the X-rated video queen,

Know what I mean? [Uh huh] A’ight, here’s the scene:
You’re lying on you’re back with your head on the edge of the bed,
The booty’s two feet from your head:
Should you: A, take the time to find a condom,
B, you walk right over and you pound ‘em,
C, tell her that you want her love,
Well the answer is D, [D], all of the above.
So you’re freakin’ [freakin'], the furniture’s squeakin’ [squeakin']
She’s tweakin’, sayin’ that she’s weak in the knees.
Cheek to cheek, and pound for pound,
You’re taxin’ it and waxin’ it and workin’ it around,
‘Til the booty starts makin’ that clappin’ sound,
Which is cool, but your friends are chillin’ in the other room.
The clappin’s getting louder, you don’t want them to clown you,
In this situation, what do you do: [What?]
A, you, plain and simply, back up off her
B, you hit it just a little bit softer,
C, you take it out and put it in het butt,
Well, D is what I do, so, yo, listen up:
I put a towel on the floor by the two inch gap under the door
Now they can’t see me any more.
Check the locks so they can’t clock, but they can listen.
There’ll be no bargin’ in and there’ll be no dissin’ [Dissin']
Gettin’ back to my mission, break out the whipped cream and the
cherries,
Then I go through all the fly positions:
My head under her leg under my arm under her toe.
She says, ‘I like it when you scream, baby let yourself go.’
I hit it and split it, lick it and quit it.
After the ride, put my clothes on and walk outside,
And before anybody gets a chance to speak,
I say, ‘Yo, don’t say nuttin’, I guess I’m just a freak!’

What do you really do in those situations? If I lived alone, I would kick out my friends and let the freak show begin in earnest. If you can’t kick them out (maybe because they pay rent or something like that…lol) then you really are faced with some sort of dilemma. Two things come to mind when I think about this song and the issue.

1. You gotta hit it softly. Once, I was with my BC, and I was beating the living stuffing out of the box, and her roommate is right next door, her room only separated by a pocket door. Actually, I really don’t care, since sex is a primal quality we share with animals, but she kinda did, so I backed off, and hit it softer and turned up the music
2. Another time, I was chillin with my boys and one of them gets lucky and retires to his room. I go back to watching the TV and talking shit, like I normally do. All of a sudden, someone was terrorizing the box like Osama Bin Laden cuz his partner was clearly audible above the TV set. There is always that initial level of awkwardness, but we are adults and wished we were there (without the audience or friends around) beating it up like the Hamburglar

   All I got to say is “Play on Player” and “Piano man take us outta here…